BEING A LONE WOLF, IT DOESNT MATTER

Do you love for being lonely?

Are you like me?

For me, being alone is one of requisite to be alive.

I don't remember since when I love being alone, I love being invisible. Actually, when I was a kid, I didn't talk too much, like my younger sister do now. But I didn't mind going to a crowded place, as long as accompanied by my mother. But, when I grew elder, when I entered puberty phase, I started to be opened. I was more extrovert than before. I had many friends, I was popular in my junior and senior high school. I made friends easily. Even in new community, I could make a joke, and I became fussy. But, its not stand long..

When I started to go to college, I found that I'm totally stranger. There is a cultural shock. I came from a little town, from unpopular high school. Now, I'm in a big city, very famous college, where brilliant students from many regions join, and maybe most of them were from big city too, where education is facilitated well.

It seems that I can adapt quickly, so I have many friends. I join many organization, cultural organization, journalism organization, and semi political organization. But I'm more introverted any than before. My communication with my friends just discuss about job. Never told about our private life. But, till that time, I never regard myself as a lone wolf. Im unattached people, being independent, go where I wanna go, do what I wanna do. But I never feel lonely.

Everything has changed after I've had a backbone surgery. I remember that at that moment, I was in my top career, became a leader in an event, and became a manager in other event. I started to attach with new friends, because we spent many moments together. Meeting, meeting, and meeting til night. Looking for dinner in the midnight, and they, who most of them are boy, always accompanied me to went home, because its very dangerous for girl to walk alone in the night in Bandung.

I came home in June, and I with my deep regret, had to say to them, that I cant go on. I looked for other man to replace me to do that jobs soon. After that, I was totally alone. I spent my holidays 2 months in home, with my weak condition. And after I went to college again, I had to took care myself. I recessed my self not to join other activities, except going to college. Since that, I felt that everyone hates me because of my weakness. I thought that they looked at me as a girl who hide behind her weakness. Everything has changed.

Even when I can join activities again, my life is never same. I went to many activities just to made my life busy, not to made many friends. I have many partners, but we don't talk too much, we don't share many stories about us. We just talk about job and job. I became independent girl again. Became unattached again.

Since I had a surgery, I love spending time alone, I love walking without any destination. Just to erase a boredom. I love going out alone. And I have never made a special relationship with people. 

Since that, I hate being in a kind of-party event. I always being alone in that event. And I feel intimidated. Like all of people stared to me and said, "So you dont have a friend, huh?" or they said "Why you have to come? This isn't your place". So, I always avoid party as possibly as I can. But, there's always some condition when I have to go to that event, for respecting someone I love, because he/she take a main part in this event. After that, I have to relax myself for a long time.

My close friend, who live so far from me, in some occasion phone me. She'll phone about an hour. But, in the middle of our conversation, she always said, "Hey, talk to me about your life. You always being a listener." And I just said, "I think that I dont have anything to be told." Whenever I am, I always being a listener. There's just 2 place in the world, that I become talker. First, is my family, I dont know, when I'm in home, I never lost anything to be told. Second, with someone. I remember, the last time he phoned me is about a year ago. I dont remember what month it is. And he just listened to me, I talked many things. But I dont remember what I told to him. And maybe for him, just listening my story, he would be happy. This is my opinion, but Im not sure that. And since that, there's just one place, where I would be a talker: MY FAMILY.

Will I be a lone wolf forever? I dont know. But, till this time, I enjoy that. Maybe when the day is come, I prefer to being attached with someone than being alone. When? With whom? I really dont have any idea to answer that. As long as I happy, I'm totally never mind being a lone wolf. By being alone, I can muse many things, I can muse my own life, I can muse what it is LIFE globally, I can sharpen my observation to everything around me, I can talked privately with my God, and I dont have to worry that my mind was distracted with unimportant things. So, you there, Are you like me?

pic from:

http://images.sodahead.com/polls/003235183/2432970119_e233_xlarge.jpeg